Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
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