I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
