Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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