If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
