New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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