i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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