i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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