By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
