I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
