flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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