The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Randomize
