I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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