Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
