pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
