my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
