There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
