atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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