**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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