high people should be assigned attendants
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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