Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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