I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
