In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
