Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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