my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Be still, my beating vagina.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
