My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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