Michael Bay diarrhea
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
