I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I intend to get homeless drunk
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
