I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
