Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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