why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
operation have a gay friend backfired
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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