consequently i now know what mace tastes like
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
