I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
