3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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