I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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