I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
