im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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