every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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