dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
The uberlube is also flammable
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
