I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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