I accidentally had phone sex last night
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
