we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
