I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
