i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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