I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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