look no pants
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
