My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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