I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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