take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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