I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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