Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
