I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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