I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize